While conflict, which can be defined as a difference or opposition of opinion, viewpoint, belief, intention, or outcome, is inevitable in life, adult children, who endured unstable, unpredictable, alcoholic and even abusive upbringings, may view this dichotomy as potential danger.

“It seems to me that many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways,” according to Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 193). “Denying it, we stuff it, or go off in a fury, directing the feelings outward. I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat.”

Conflict, even as an adult, may be more of an emotional return to a time when it signified a confrontation as a child. Regressed to the multitude of incidents in which he was subjected to uneven power plays with an unreasonable or irrational parent, he was unable to protect himself from him, escape from him, or even understand why he was so treated, causing him to re-experience helplessness, placed, once again, on the victim side of the interaction.

Retriggered, he becomes immobilized and subjected to the same helpless feelings that were pervasive throughout his childhood, severing any intellectual understanding he may now have. Whoever serves as the opposing or conflicting person may subconsciously wear the face of his alcoholic, para-alcoholic, or abusive parent, temporarily causing him to view that person as an authority figure.

Indeed, he may go to any lengths to avoid what he believes will trip the circuit of his present-time parental representative, inviting anger or upset, and avoid his own retrigger as a result of it.

“Life doesn’t always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I might wish it would,” continues “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 139). “In the past, when something bothered me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument. It seemed better for me to be upset than to risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous. I would become irritable and unreasonable as I let resentment fester.”

While this dynamic underscores the fact that an adult child would rather risk his own internal, emotional upheaval than his external safety, it equally bespeaks of the fact that the irrational and dangerous behavior of his parents or primary caregivers was fueled either by alcoholism or the stored, retriggered incidents of their own unresolved upbringings.

Conflict is thus the subconscious belief that disagreement may result in detriment, sparking the person’s need to either disarm or avoid his return to childhood, when he believed that the actions or blame delivered to him were justifiable disciplines for his own faults, flaws, and unloveability, not those of his parent’s.

Without proper recovery, even if he intellectually understands this concept, he may emotionally deflate, losing the wherewithal to ride out the disagreement to a mutual resolution. He deflates and even numbs out.

Because his parents could not own their actions and therefore could neither express remorse or empathy, these childhood conflicts remain unresolved and unfinished-live wires, if you will, which can relight and return the person to helplessness, sparking the re-rise of defenses and survival traits which were created when he was confronted with a person who should have protected him, but who instead preyed upon him. It can instantly reignite fear and trauma.

Added to this dilemma is the fact that safe, successful conflict resolution was never modeled for him and he resultantly has no experience with it. Every parental conflict most likely remains mired at the time of its creation, unresolved, and becomes the layer upon which the next one was built, resulting in increasing volatility. It may even replay in his mind for a considerable time until it loses its power. Conflict is clearly danger to an adult child.

Recovery results in a resolution of a person’s past and the realization that conflict, created by those who have different viewpoints, can be healthy, provided that he understands that they are not the irrational representatives of their alcoholic-fueled parents.

“Today, I can honor my decisions without being defensive, because I respect my right to make the best decisions I can,” “Courage to Change” concludes (ibid, p. 104). “Even when others are not happy with (them), I can behave in a way that feels good for me. Others have a right to disagree, to feel differently, to be disappointed. I can respect that right and still stick to my principles… Disagreements can be healthy and enlightening if we view them as a way to develop and deepen our relationships.”

Conflict, in the end, entails a difference of opinion, viewpoint, or belief with a healthy person and not a demeaning, detrimental, and dangerous confrontation with a sick one.

Article Sources:

“Courage to Change.” Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.