It is natural to feel offended by someone who is disrespectful. There are those who pretend that they are not disturbed and some really are not but they are in the minority. Those affected cover their hurt with self-righteous anger in order to justify lashing out at the culprit (most do not).

People generally do not face down these discourteous persons. It is as if they are afraid to own up to feeling disregarded and overlooked. They therefore guard and nurture the negative feelings engendered by these encounters in order to vent on someone close to them.

Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate. Dr Albert Schweitzer

WHY THIS LACK OF RESPECT?

From observation and experience, lack of respect results from either an absence of social education; people having a bad day and an innocent bystander becomes a casualty; or the deliberate and utter disregard of another person’s feelings which was developed in childhood.

This last point is particularly pervasive in dysfunctional families and people who migrate from such groups and form families of their own continue to perpetrate this behaviour. I grew up in such a family so I know about it first hand.

DISRESPECT IS ABNORMAL

No matter how you look at it, disrespect is abnormal in any form. I have been guilty of this on occasion and no doubt you have as well. When you go off the rails as people do, you apologise immediately or when you have a firmer grip on your emotions. Anyone who feels they are too “big” to do so shows how small they really are.

I am not saying “be a goody two-shoes”; just act like a responsible adult and treat others the way you want to be treated.

I was full of self-righteous anger for decades from adolescence right into my early forties and I thought apologising belittled me. Happily, I passed that stage and now it is easy to recognise when I am wrong, no matter the circumstances and apologise. How about you?

I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being. Jackie Robinson

COUPLES WHO DISRESPECT EACH OTHER

Couples manifest their disrespect for each other in verbal and non-verbal ways and both are detrimental to the growth and longevity of their relationship. Believe it or not, it is their mutual self-denigration which brought them together. They call it love but Eckhart Tolle says it is their pain body that was mutually attracted to each other.

When you recognise and are attracted to the Presence in another, that is love.

A man who has no respect for women tends to be attracted to and partner with a woman who has a similar lack of respect for herself.

The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich

At the same time she despises the man (men) and the society in which she lives as it dictates that she has no needs and even if she does, they must be relegated to the back of the line until the man’s is satisfied. She is after all just a walking womb, as well as chief cook and bottle washer in the relationship!

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true i.e. women who are financially and thus, emotionally dominant in relationships. I have had the equally unpleasant experience of witnessing a female relative exhibiting the same negative qualities listed below. It is therefore not a rare occurrence!

Thus, 21 ways to recognise lack of respect in a relationship is not gender based.

1. Your discussions are often at cross purposes which opens the way for misunderstandings and arguments.
2. You are visibly impatient with reasons given for an incomplete activity.
3. You ignore your partner’s/relative’s demand for attention/discussion.
4. You are not clear when you want something done.
5. You micro-manage activities.
6. When you observe that a piece of work demanded is not the way you want it, you say nothing until the job is done.
7. You talk down to your partner/relative when providing clarification.
8. You are disdainful or grudgingly accepting of efforts made to please you.
9. You make excuses for not fulfilling your stated responsibility.
10. You blame others for your lack of follow-through.
11. Individuals in this family group overeat to assuage their emotional cravings, or have another addiction for the same purpose.
12. You think of your partner/relative as manual labour and yourself as the “brain”.
13. You are the “heavyweight” in the family and your desires/demands rule.
14. You control the finances in the relationship.
15. You ignore the real financial needs of your partner.
16. You dole out money at your convenience.
17. You feel superior to your partner/relative but will defend them vigorously if anyone trespasses on your “turf”.
18. You discuss your life plans with your partner/relative yet rarely ask for input.
19. You project an air of benevolent indulgence when your partner/relative makes a verbal contribution of any kind.
20. Your discussions usually concern everything other than your life together.
21. Your partner seems to be an appendage in your life.

Make no mistake, all parties are aware of their dysfunctional relationship. They feed off each other’s negative qualities. They both want to have their cake and ice cream without making the slightest effort towards creating a caring, nurturing relationship.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. The Dalai Lama

The only way for these destructive cycles to be short-circuited is for each party to recognise that the problem lies with them, their upbringing and consequent beliefs. Admitting this is the first step to healing.

Meditation and therapy make a good mixture to assist them in coming to terms with who they are as individuals (of worth).

Self-love, compassion for one’s self is key here.