Ask any couple what they think is the basis for a good, healthy, satisfying relationship, and 9 out of 10 are likely to say "communication." Good communication is foundational for a good relationship.

What do we know about communication?

• Communication is complex. The more important the relationship, the more complex it is.
• Communication is 2-way – it involves both talking and listening.
• Communication is learned; therefore healthy patterns CAN be learned. We're not victims to negative patterns of communication.
• Communication is inevitable. It's impossible to NOT communicate. Even silence is a form of communication. So the question is not whether we will communicate but how we will communication.
• Communication can build the relationship or tear it down. Research by John Gottman indicates that we must have at least 5 positive moments together for every 1 negative if our marriage is to be stable. This is a 5: 1 ratio of positive vs. negative communications and shared experiences.

Communication is More Than Words

• Often when we think about communication we think about words. What are we going to say? How are we going to express it? The truth, however, is that only 7% of our communication involves words.
• 55% of our communication is non-verbal – facial expression, body language.
• 38% of our communication is tone of voice.

Communication Style Differences

• Gender plays a role in how we communicate
• Personality differences impact the way we communicate
• Family of Origin issues come into play
• We can differ in the number of words we use: 1) the "expander" embellishes, uses lots of words, reports feelings and emotions as well as facts. 2) the "contractor" reduces information to the bare nub, uses as few words as possible and reports facts only

Caring for Self in Communication (Talking Skills)

• We must be able to state our needs, wants and desires clearly. We must learn to be assertive without becoming aggressive.
• Asking for what we want is not the same as demanding it.
• Our partner cannot read our mind – we must tell him or her our thoughts, feelings, desires, etc.

Caring for Your Partner in Communication (Listening Skills)

• The goal of listneing is to understand our partner's message clearly.
• We can develop the ability to let our partner know we heard what they said and the reason they said it.
• We cannot read our partner's mind – we must listen to understand.

3 Patterns of Communication

• We chat, which involves catching up on the details of the day. This is generally surface, non-threatening conversation.
• We confront / control , which means we are trying to bend the other to our will. This is negative, stress-inducing communication.
• We connect, using talking and listening skills to gain a greater connection, sharing our thoughts, feelings and desires. When we connect, we put as much energy into listening to our partner's thoughts, feelings and desires as we do into sharing our own. This communication pattern leads to greater understanding and closeness. Communication is crucial, complex and inevitable. Take time to explore with your partner your communication patterns and tendencies. Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep growing!