Many plebeians (or “plebs” as we high-society folks call them) often ask me (from a distance, of course, since I don’t go next to poor people) what is it like being so disgustingly wealthy. Buying all those rich people things, doing all that rich people stuff. Despite what you have heard about being rich, and how money can’t buy you happiness, let me tell you… being rich is great. It is more important than being kind, generous, smart, eloquent, and maintaining use of your arms and legs.

Let’s talk about getting rich. Many people will tell you saving, prudent investing, and hard work will get you rich. This is a fallacy. If someone was actually rich they wouldn’t waste their time talking to you. The best way to become rich is to be born wealthy. Where you not born wealthy? Too bad! You’ve already missed out on the best way to become disgustingly rich.

Another way to become rich is to be completely heartless. As Forbes’ richest man of the year Mr. Montgomery Burns said “I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship… these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business”. I couldn’t agree more. Don’t think that being cruel is a one way ticket to your own private island, however. There are a lot of poor mean people. You will certainly not get rich being nice though, so don’t waste your time with “please” and “thank you.”

Some people may be wondering what us high society types do with our time, because we certainly don’t work. I spend a lot of time spending money, pranking on the plebs, making extravagant wagers, and funneling champagne and prescription drugs down my throat. Also, I ride horses, but only ones made entierly out of gold. When I am not riding my gold horse I skeet-shoot Faberge eggs.

I may collect horses made out of precious metals, but every rich person collects different luxury items. My father collects catamarans made out of whale bone. My brother collects orphanages (he clears out the orphans). My mother, she enjoys collecting erotic art. We, the richest people, need to occupy our time somehow, am I right?

Thanks to recent changes in the capital gains tax you no longer need to work to earn big money. Since investment and interest are taxed at a dramatically low rate these days I probably pay lower taxes than a family of five on welfare. You have got to love those Bush years.

So in to all those aspiring rich people out there, don’t try. American social mobility died a long time ago. It is a myth. If you are born poor you will die poor. Toodles!