When your ex dumps you, she’s taken charge of your relationship by being the person who ended it. This leaves you little or no power as you try desperately to get your ex back. The more you beg, plead, and make desperate attempts to win back her love, the further the balance shifts in her favor. She’s got your whole life in the palm of her hand, and she’s holding all the cards. What’s worse is that you continue to give her more cards, while tipping your own hand for her to see. This is the absolute worst way to get your exgirlfriend back.

In order to realize the mistakes you’re making, you need to understand why these are errors in the first place. Telling her you love her may sound like a good idea to you; after all, it’s what she wanted you to say all throughout your relationship. But now? Telling her you love her is only going to broaden her smile. Your ex finally has what she’s wanted all along: your attention. And while she has it, there’s no reason for her to give it up. As you continue to grovel for your relationship back, she not only enjoys being the one in charge… she also starts to see you differently. Suddenly you’re weak, and you lack confidence. The strength and drive she once saw in you have been replaced by an overwhelming neediness she’s never seen before. This causes her to lose respect for you as a person, and as a potential mate.

All those notes you’ve written and left on her car… all those phone calls and emails you’ve sent her… your ex adds these to the piles of desperate measures you’ve used to try and win back your girlfriend. Most of these things come too little too late. You need to put down the phone and cancel the order you just placed at the florist. Giving your ex attention, flowers, and showering her with apologies is not the way to get back together with your girlfriend. The only true way back into your ex’s heart is by making her realize she stands to lose you.

But she’s already dumped you, right? True enough. Even so, your exgirlfriend hasn’t had to face what life will be like without you in it. This is because you’re still hanging onto her leg, in plain sight, and she knows she can have you back in the blink of an eye. Instead, you need to let go. Disappear for a while. Start your ex wondering about where you went, and what you’re doing. If you can do this, all of a sudden she’ll become a lot more interested in you than she was when you were clinging to your relationship and begging her to come back to you. The balance of power begins to shift, ever-so-slightly, in your favor here.

And then what happens? You continue to seize control. You do this by ending all contact with your ex, and not even answering the “feeler” calls or emails that she’ll inevitably put out there once you disappear. You do this by turning your attention inward and concentrating on yourself for a while. And most of all, you do this by going out and having the best times of your life with friends, family, and everyone else you can think of. Once your ex sees you totally unbothered by the end of your relationship, she’ll start to realize you’ve accepted the break up. And not only that, she’ll start thinking you’re moving on as well. This scares her, because now you’re suddenly ahead of her in this race to a new life. Your ex is sitting there stalled out, and you’ve zoomed past her.

Learning how to get back your ex-girlfriend can involve an incredibly complicated series of moves and strategies, depending upon the circumstances of your break up. The sooner you get started on shifting the balance of power in your favor, the better off you’ll be. And the more you can learn, the greater your chances of getting back together again. As with everything else in life, knowledge is power.