Over the past few years I have had several friends and clients come to me with relationship issues. As I listen to their heart breaking stories, there seems to be one central theme, “compromise is hard”. They tell me stories of how their partners really don’t want to do what it takes to make the situation work or to compromise.

Why is compromise so hard and why are so few willing to do it? Well first you have to be truthful about what compromise means in a relationship. It means that at least one person in the relationship is not necessary going to get what he or she wants and they give up their desires for the other person’s wishes. For many this is hard to do and ends up being a source for arguments and control in the relationship.

In some relationships one person uses the compromise card more than they should and if uses too much the other person ends up having ill feelings towards the person using the compromise card all the time. In my relationship I can honestly say that my husband and I compromise with each other’s wants and wishes all the time pretty much equally. I can remember wanting to go on a trip and not really being financially prepared to go. We had to so many other financial responsibilities, but I felt like we deserved and needed a trip. My husband fought not to go, but in the end he gave in and compromised even though he didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. I then felt bad because I knew he was fighting to keep us from going into more financial debt, but my emotions were too high and I want what I wanted.

Have you ever been in this situation? Most of the time during a compromise situation our emotions are too high and this affects the way we process what we feel about the situation. Your emotions ultimately affect how hard you fight for what you believe in. But who suffers in a situation like this? Who wins? The truth is everyone suffers and nobody wins, not even the person who gets their way. The truth is if one person is fighting for what they feel is best for the family then that person should be awarded the compromise. But what happens if both people are fighting for what they think is best for the family? Well in this situation someone is going to need to step down and trust the other persons choice, and this is truly what compromise boils down to, allowing the other person to make the decision, even though you might not fully agree.

However, I believe in most cases when both people strongly disagree about a topic, one person is usually over invested in the issue emotionally. Until that person is willing to look at the facts and not their emotions I’m sorry to tell you, it’s going to be a hard battle getting them to see your point. That person normally knows who they are in the relationship but is usually unwilling to admit it because of selfish reasons; they want what they want, like I did in my situation. Many marriages and relationships fail because the other person is unwillingness to compromise.

So what do you do if you are in a relationship and your partner chooses not to compromise? Well I believe you have to take one occurrence at a time. However if you are to the point where you are so fed up you are thinking about leaving I would say first make a beeline to someone who can help you with this situation before you do anything drastic. Go talk to a counselor, therapist, social worker, or a coach. These skilled professionals can help you and give you an outside perspective. But if you are not running towards the door then talk with your spouse about how you really feel when the situations arise. If your spouse is a person that loves you and you are both committed to making this relationship work then they will listen. In the end if compromises are done correctly, everyone ends up getting what they want and need.