I’m not going to make a long introduction here because you need to look at your situation from another point of view. We as human beings often mix up our deep feelings and our emotions generated almost instantly by some situations. Only the wise ones, or the parents who have read this article (!), have the ability to put their emotions and impulsive reactions on the side and always express what they feel inside of them. I’m going to tell you what “I hate my child” really means. Kids are good at pushing our buttons, they make us being impulsive, doing or saying things we can regret.

Why do I feel this?

Let me be more straightforward here. Saying “I hate my child” is the logical consequence (yes, I mean that) of the bad emotions that keep being accumulated. The emotions and circumstances I’m talking about probably our your best enemies at the moment: frustration, anger, over-protective feeling, lack of time, irritability, defiant behaviour in your child, not being listened to, no compassion from your child or spouse, tiredness…

It’s a vicious circle for a major reason, sometimes hard to accept: You misinterpret your child’s behaviour and think you’re a victim. I’m not being harsh here, it’s a reality you have to face. It’s only when you put things in perspective that you can react differently and therefore take the time to reconsider your feeling.

3 questions you should ask yourself:

• Is it my anger (or any other bad emotion) that pushes me to think I hate my child?
• Do I hate him (his personality) or his actions?
• What if I’m influencing his actions?

A bad behaviour in a child is a way of expressing himself. You have to teach alternatives, understand what hides a tantrum. I’m not blaming you. I know and remember when I was so hurt and tired that I used to scream immediately, wanted to spank, just reacting impulsively to make the tantrum stop. This is the worst thing to do.

Your role is, among other things, to teach things to your child, to prepare him to the adult world. What is wrong and right, how to express what he feels, help him have a good image of himself, and so on. No one ever said parenting was easy! There is a side of your child you don’t perceive at the moment and there’s a part of your personality that your child doesn’t see either. You actually see so little of your child’s personality when he’s having a bad behavior, how could you really say and mean “I hate my child”? Think about it.

How can I get rid of that feeling?

No one is a bad parent. Communicating with children is something we have to learn because we’re not born parents. You have to keep in mind that each reaction you have has a direct consequence on your child’s behaviour. This is why, now, you think it’s part of his personality but it’s not. Kids are not adults, they are not “complete”. Impulsivity doesn’t give any space for true feelings.

Also, be aware of what hides your child’s words. If a child says “I hate you”, he doesn’t mean it, believe me, he doesn’t know what hate is. Always make a difference between your child and his actions, which you can change.

Saying “I hate my child” hides another feeling, a real one, that is: “I hate my child’s behaviour”. It has nothing to do with your love for your child! Don’t feel guilty! If your child has an intolerable behaviour, it’s normal to dislike it. The truth is, you can’t ask and expect your child to change his behaviour if you don’t change yours first. Have you ever tried to react differently? To stay calm and speak softly? This is key.

“I hate my child” will not be part of your vocabulary anymore if you promptly act upon the situation and focus on what you have to change in yourself first. You won’t feel overwhelmed by your parenting “job” again. Every parent can overcome this feeling and get peace back.