I sometimes get emails from wives who ask me to translate what their husbands really mean when they either state directly or “let slip” comments like: “I don’t love you in the same way that I used to,” or “I don’t love you as much as I did in the beginning.” 

Of course, flip comments like these can cause a lot of anxiety and confusion.  Is he saying he doesn’t want to be married anymore?  Does he not find you attractive anymore? Is the spark gone and will or can it ever come back? Or, is he just projecting his disappointments in life or his stress level onto you because frankly, who does love their spouse in the exact same way that they did when they were first dating? This is an unrealistic expectation anyway, right?  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

What A Husband Typically Means When He Says He Doesn’t Love You In The Same Way That He Once Did: Granted, hearing these words or implications can be a serious blow that gets your immediate attention.  No one wants to be told that they are being compared to bygone days and are coming up short.  I don’t mean to diminish this. But, I can tell you what husbands who find my blog tell me.  They often say that their wife is scattered in a million different places and that she just doesn’t have the time for them anymore.  She’s stressed.  She’s distracted.  She’s borderline angry all the time.  She treats him like he’s one of her children or a task on her to do list rather than the husband that she should desire and love.

Please understand that I’m not defending the accuracy of these perceptions.  I know as well as you do that they likely are not 100% accurate.  But I’m sharing this with you because I want you to have insight as to what you’re dealing with.  And, I want you to know that it’s very likely not the feelings of love and affection that have changed.  More than likely, it’s his perceptions about your relationship (and his place in it) that have evolved into something that he really doesn’t like all that much.

So where does this leave you?  Hopefully, with the knowledge that you’re probably not climbing uphill as much as you may think.  It’s likely not that you’re undesirable or that he doesn’t find you attractive anymore.  In fact, often men gauge the way that they feel about the women in their lives by how the women make them feel about themselves.  Think about it.  When a man is “in love” it’s usually because a woman has placed him at the center of her world, thinks that he is the only one for her, and places his happiness at the top of her priority list.  He makes her feel special, loved, and unique.  In turn, he feels like he’s worth something, that he’s able elicit all of these responses in you so that he must be doing something right.  This makes him feel just as unique, just as special, and just as attractive as you feel when you’re experiencing the same thing.

But right now, the level of attention and intimacy are less.  So, his perception of how he feels is reflected in this and is also lessened.  It’s the natural order of things, but it can be fixed and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t or can’t love you the way that he once did, it just means that he’s no longer getting the pay off or the responses that he once got because the attention level and the give and take have changed.

Changing His Perceptions About His Lack Of Feelings:  First off, you have to look at the advantages that you do have.  I know that you may not feel like you’re in a favorable position right now, but you actually are.  At least your husband is still trying to communicate with you and still values honestly.  Many wives don’t even get this and are only told about this falling out of love business after the husband is already thinking about divorce.  So, you do have that advantage.  Next, you likely have a very deep knowledge of what your husband values, what makes him respond strongly, and what behaviors you should avoid.  Don’t hesitate to use this.

I’ve already defined what I believe is almost always at the core of a husband who thinks he’s changed his feelings for you (neglect and a lack of intimacy) so your first course of business should be to address those things.   You don’t necessarily need to tell him what you’re going to be doing.  It’s more effective to just show him anyway.  Really begin to take an objective look at your marriage and honestly process what you see.  Shift your focus and your priorities so that your marriage and your husband jumps to the top of your list. 

This alone will usually cause at least some reaction.  However, you shouldn’t go so far as to come to a place where you appear to be desperate or not genuine.  Men generally don’t like to feel as though they are part of your game playing agenda so make sure that your actions come from a genuine place and that you really want to take any actions that you decide to follow up on.

And, don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your husband.  Don’t repeatedly ask him if he’s changed his mind or how he’s feeling now.  When you begin to have success with this, you’ll know it because he will begin to intimate more contact and intimacy.  You can generally literally feel the shift in attitude so much so that you won’t need to question where his head and his heart are.  You already know how he acts when he feels affectionate and happy so don’t annoy him by trying to pin him down.

Let things follow a natural progression.  Just focus on doing light hearted, fun things together that allow you to reconnect, anticipate more, and rediscover what you loved about one another in the first place.  So many women will fear that because they are no longer young, thin, and striking anymore that their husbands are never going to feel the same way about them.  This just isn’t true.  Men respond more to attention, affection, appreciation, and understanding than anything else.  They often tell me that they’d rather have an average looking wife who values them and makes them a priority than one who is drop dead gorgeous but ignores them or never makes the time.  Your enthusiasm, ability to make him feel good about himself, and your ability to make him feel appreciated and understood will likely go much further than you may think.