I’ve been talking to my friends lately about respect. In particular, we have been talking about teaching our children to say “ma’am and sir.” This is a very sensitive topic for African Americans. Some of my closest friends are appalled by children who fail to say “yes sir or no ma’am” to adults. They say it is a sign of respect for young people to say “ma’am and sir.” And it is disrespectful not to. Yet when pushed to explain or explore where that belief comes from they quickly shut down. Often resting on the idea, “my parents taught me to respect my elders. And that’s what I will teach my children.” As if these simple words are an incantation that magically bring about respect. I would like to explore and challenge our idea of how we nurture and develop respect within our children in a modern society.

Traditionally, blacks have been committed to the highest standards of respect and decorum. My parents and grandparents required us to show the highest degree of respect to them. We were instructed in the practices that showed your reverence of their position of authority. For example, most blacks can recall these phrases being used frequently,

“Always say please and thank you.”

“Always say ‘yes sir and no ma’am.'”

“Don’t talk while grown folks are talking.”

“Children are to be seen and not heard.”

“Don’t talk back to adults.”

“Do what I tell you to do.”

“I am your parent. I am not your friend.”

“Don’t ask me ‘why.’ Do what I said.”

All of these mantras are designed to delineate the relationship between child and adult. In general, the line between parent and child should never be crossed. Crossing that line in the Black community often resulted in a swift and sharp correction. I have seen children test the line in grocery stores, barber shops, church and schools. The response was usually a stern look or quick strike of the hand. Questioning a parents’ decision in my mother’s day was unheard of. My grandmother ruled with an iron fist and a leather belt. You never wanted to “cross” my grandmother. At 80 years old she gave me and my brother Drummond one of the worse whoopings in life. Not even my oldest brother’s advice, “just say yes ma’am to all her questions” would save us from that lashing. We never did another disrespectful thing to Grandma again. Yet, ironically I lost a little of my reverence for her. For many years, I feared my grandmother but I don’t think I truly respected her. And this idea is what disturbs me the most. I believe that blacks co-mingle fear and respect.

Blacks in America have a two-faced tradition around issues of respect. Dating back to slavery, we were taught to obey our white slave owners. There were two primary tools they used to reach this goal. First there was fear. The slave master used many tools to terrorize the slave into obedience. The first layer was the language of obedience. This was the most enduring practice of Slavery. After the whippings, lynchings, rapings, and other terrorist tactics of slavery dissolved, the practice of whites calling black “boy” and blacks calling whites “mister” endured. Yet even while we spoke the words of respect our rage and resentment boiled within. The second tool of conditioning was their interpretation of religion. We were given a religious perspective that mandated humility and obedience as a precursor to heavenly promise. Literally, we were told that we had to obey the master to get to heaven. This spiritual conditional has become a part of the black community’s religious DNA. As a result of these two enduring practices, the language of obedience and the spiritual mandate of obedience, blacks have been the most compliant subgroup in America.

This might be the all-time most destructive of the negative metal legacies of Slavery. While there are many practices from that heinous experience called slavery that have endured, our commitment to following the rules may be most unproductive for us. Going along with the status quo has resulted in Blacks being the lowest paid sub group in America. We have also had the least political influence because of our silent compliance with political policy makers. We have had a “Yes Boss” mentality about everything of importance. We have been saying “Yes Sir” when we really should be saying “Hell Naw!” We should be demanding higher salaries. We should be demanding better funded schools. We should be demanding a fair criminal justice system. But instead, we show our respect by saying “yes sir” to the financial, social and political policies that totally disrespect us.

White folks don’t force their children to say “sir and ma’am” I worked for a school that had a tradition of the students referring to their teachers by their first name. The white parents rarely had an issue with it. This practice was emblematic of our pedagogy of teaching. We emphasized the relationship between student and teacher as the foundation for learning. The idea is that the classroom is a place for the sharing of ideas among learners. The teacher and the student are both learners. The teacher’s role is defined as facilitator and the student’s role is scholar (one who seeks knowledge). However, most black parents were appalled by the idea of their child referring to a teacher by first name. Many of the new black children politely placed a Mr. or Mrs. before the first name of their teachers. This usually lasted one semester before the article was dropped.

This debate over what is respectful language really is ridiculous. Today, some of the most respectful children in our country are white children who don’t say “Sir and Ma’am.” While some of most disrespectful children are black ones that say “sir and ma’am” while throwing trash in your yard or showing more than a few inches of ass while their pants fall below their waist. If you look up the word “ma’am” many dictionaries say the word is almost extinct. Senator Barbara Boxer famous rejected the use of the word in her response “Don’t call me Ma’am.” Yet, we hold on to it out of tradition. It’s more like condition, that has us holding on to this practice.

As humanity evolves, truth should be the highest goal of any society. Let us discover our highest truth through discussion. True respect starts with doing the hard work of talking with children. My 10th Grade English teacher, whom I call Mr. Jenkins, says “education is a confrontation with ignorance.” This means that we need to have dialogue with children. We shouldn’t see their questioning as disrespectful. Children should be heard and seen. We need to discuss what practices will be good for our children in the future not just blindly practice what we have been taught. John Milton said “Let her and Falsehood grapple; who ever knew Truth put to the worse in a free and open encounter?” Through the sharing of ideas we arrive at our collective agreements regarding how we should interact with one another. Let’s keep having the dialogue, “Please Sir.”