Physical and sexual abuse is more easily identified than verbal abuse. The reason verbal abuse is more difficult to identify is because many forms of verbal abuse are integrated into society as ‘normal or acceptable.’ Thus, these ‘normal or acceptable’ forms of verbal abuse are ignored. ‘Normal or acceptable’ verbal abuse is a precursor to its escalation. The adage ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,’ is a blatant message to ignore verbal abuse. More serious is the fact verbal abuse, more often than not, escalates to physical abuse. Verbal abuse is an equal opportunity endeavor and is committed by both genders.

The forms of ‘normal or acceptable’ verbal abuse include: Men or Women bashing-put downs of either gender. Dumb blonde jokes, jokes about men’s inadequacies in the kitchen, bedroom or being couch potatoes. While these cliché statements seem benign, it is the seeds which germinate into anger and hostility toward each other.

Verbal abuse is the oppression of one person over the other. It is power over and dominance. Power over and dominance kills the victim’s spirit. Verbal abuse is as insidious as physical abuse, because of the normalization of low levels of abuse and because the aggressor frequently convinces the victim he/she has misunderstood, is too sensitive or is a ‘cry baby.’ In other words, the victim is convinced by the abuser that he/she isn’t being abused; the victim is the problem.

The common themes of verbal abuse are: Inequality; Competition; Manipulation; Hostility; Control and Negating. The abuser either overtly or covertly manipulates others to get what he/she wants-dominance and control. He/she negates his/her partner’s perceptions, experiences, accomplishments and their hopes and dreams.

There are fifteen categories of verbal abuse: Countering; Ordering; Forgetting; Denial; Hostility/Anger; Blocking/Diverting; Making Fun; Accusing/Blaming; Judging/Criticizing; Trivializing; Undermining; Withholding; Threatening; Name Calling and Negating.

Withholding is the most insidious as it is ‘silent treatment.’ The abuser punishes you by refusing to talk to you. Your response may be to strive to engage with him/her in conversation or simply to set the record straight. But, this will most likely fuel the fire of his/her silence and subsequent angry outburst. Ignoring him/her, keeping busy or leaving the room is the best solution to this verbal abuse.

Countering is serious abuse, because it occurs when the accuser tells you that your perception is wrong. You can tell him/her you are unwilling to accept his/her perception in the matter. Then, you need to stop the interaction-it takes two people to keep the ‘fight’ going. Do not say anything else. Continuing to work on resolving the issue only fuels his/her rage and desire to control. Remember you have the right to feel what you feel and to think what you think. You do not need to prove yourself or convince him/her your perception is valid.

Blocking/Diverting takes place when you ask a question and your accuser blocks you from obtaining the answer. You might ask a simple question. “How did your meeting go today?” Blocking/Diverting Response: “Why are you asking?” The victim’s typical reaction to the blocking/diverting might be to defend him/herself. To prevent the opportunity for the abuser to escalate, respond with a loving statement, “Because I care about you and wish to support you in your life.” Then walk away.

Or your might ask a personal question, “Did you talk to your brother to finalize their plans to visit?” Blocking/Diverting Response: “Why are you nagging me?” Avoid defending yourself, simply walk away. You can call your brother/sister-in-law to get the information. Remember you deserve to have the information.

Another tactic to block/divert is changing the subject. Avoid getting, sidetracked, patiently continue to ask your question. You are then being abused, if your abuser blames or accuses you of starting a fight, imagining or twisting the facts, or inaccurately telling the story. The key to thwart this abuse is to avoid defending or explaining. Calmly state, “The way you are speaking to me is not OK.” Walk away.

By definition if you are being judged and criticized you are being verbally abused. Do not buy into his/her perceptions of who you are or what you are about. Your accuser/abuser is not God or a court of law. Labeling you violates your boundaries. Remember, your accuser/abuser is the least qualified to define who you are and what you are about. Simply put: Do not engage in defending or explaining.

Last but not least, trust your feelings and perceptions. Avoid blaming yourself for the abuse. Set limits with your partner, seek emotional and spiritual healing with a professional. Most importantly remember you deserve to be treated with respect and integrity to live your life with peace of mind and harmony. Living life with peace and harmony is the life you were born to live.